The Other Side

Two blondes were walking along a river on opposite sides. One blonde called to the other and asked "how do I get to the other side?" The other blonde thought for a minute and replied "you are on the other side!"

Oldie but goodie!

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea. "Driver? Can I drive for a while?" "Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car. "We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner. "Who is it? Is it a senator?" "No. More important." "The president?" "No. More important." "An ambassador? Who?" "I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."

Yogi Berra

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"Because it gets late early." (On why it's so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
"It ain't over till it's over."
"It's deja vu all over again."
"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
"We have very deep depth!"
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."

Change Of Plan

God in His Heaven was noticing how full it was getting. "Hmm, maybe I should make more space... Who here broke the first commandment? Raise your hands." Many hands went up. God said "You're out of here! Off you go!" But Heaven was still quite full, so God asked "How many of you broke the second commandment? Raise your hands." Many hands went up. God said "You're out of here! Off you go!" But Heaven was still quite full, so God continued on w/ the other commandments. Each time hands were raised. Each time God said "You're out of here! Off you go!" But when He got to the tenth commandment, He looked around and saw the humorless, self-righteous arrogant bunch He was going to have to spend eternity w/. He spun on His heel, flung open wide the doors to Heaven and yelled "Change of plan! Everybody back in!"