Writers' Heaven

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

from: https://sites.google.com/site/writersjokes/jokesaboutwriters

Smart and Sexy

Pretty much anything said by any character on The Big Bang Theory TV show.  But one of the funniest one-liners ever, in fact one-word-ers, was by Penny when she wanted to impress Leonard with the appearance of both "smarts" and "hots" by wearing nerdy glasses.  Pulling them half-way down her nose she said "Molecules."

Garbage

"Everything you buy and take into your home, you will just slowly crapify over time."  ~ from a set by Jerry Seinfeld
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfYzlSNHapA  (Jerry Seinfeld Stand Up on YouTube)

Funny Friars

8 pretty funny religious jokes can be found at Jokes 4 All.

Here's a sample:

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"

and then here's this classic one about the pope:

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?'' 
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.'' 
But the pope persists, ''Please?'' 
The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.'' 
So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. 
Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.'' 
Chief: ''What sort of problem?'' 
Cop: ''Well, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.'' 
Chief: ''Important like the mayor?'' 
Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.'' 
Chief: ''Important like the governor?'' 
Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.'' 
Chief: ''Like the president?'' 
Cop: ''More.'' 
Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?'' 
Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''

Haircuts for clergy

A Franciscan gets a haircut, and then asks how much he owes. The barber says he never charges clergy. The Franciscan thanks the barber and goes home. The next morning the barber finds a big basket of fresh bread from the Franciscans' kitchens. 

An Augustinian gets his hair cut by the same barber. The barber also tells him than he never charges clergy. So, the next day the barber receives a nice bottle of wine from the Augustinians' wine cellar.

A Jesuit gets his haircut, and the barber again says that he never charges clergy. The next day, when the barber gets to work, there are twelve other Jesuits already waiting for him.

I found this on Catholic Forums:
http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=612796

Musical jokes, sophisticated and silly

Musical jokes:  these are pretty funny.  I especially like this one:

Q: How can you tell if a singer is at your door?
A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

These are cute for kids.
Here's a sample:
Why is a piano so hard to open?
(Because the keys are on the inside!)

Honey-do

Printed on husband's mug:
I don't need to be told what to do;
I know what I need to do!
Don't nag me about it
every six months!